I Lost Access To My Substack, And I Crashed Out
I genuinely felt my soul leave my body.
I couldn’t believe it.
I didn’t want to believe it.
Did this actually happen?
Why me?
Is God punishing me?
Why?
I was in full breakdown mode. I was in fetal on my bed, tv off, no noise.
I was just trying to allow my nervous system to get back to baseline. This took about 2 hours.
It was really bad.
( I do open this all with a tinge of humor because let’s face it: “Kim, people are dying.”)
I told my boyfriend what happened.
He knows how much writing means to me. He knows how encouraging it’s been to build a community amongst fellow writers, on a platform which feels like a break from traditional social media.
So, he went straight into ‘fix-it’ mode.
He talked me down, was so gentle with my tears and panic, and told me things I didn’t want to hear in that moment, but, they were what I needed to hear.
(Before I disclose what he told me, I am fully aware that as women, we dont always want our man to fix, just listen.)
But, in that moment, I had no mental or emotional strength to really push back in any way that didnt come from panic.
Panic mode, is panic mode. You know?
He was outside of my panic- so he was able to see things objectively, with compassion.
And, I learned something about him, myself and relationships- which I’ll get into later- from the entire exchange that evening.
So, this is (pretty much) what he said:
1. The value wasn’t Substack. The value was what I brought to it.
2. If I cannot get back into my account, when I’m over the initial shock, to start again. Because I love writing.
3. It will be okay.
4. I can’t see the future right now, but it will be okay.
5. Right now, I may want to give up, not write again, or try to build a community, following, or subscriber list on Substack again. Thats okay.
6. It was never about the following. It was about people liking my work, even loving it, liking interacting with me personally, and organically growing because I enjoyed writing.
7. It makes me happy.
8. He will help me, and be there every step of the way.
9. Take some time to mourn.
10. (Then he made me laugh just by being a cute, sweet boyfriend.)
I mean…wow.
He was on the phone & video call with me for HOURS helping come up with solutions.
He downloaded every single one of my articles to his computer for back up just in case.
He even found Substack IT employee’s linkedin—emailed them— just to see if they could help me.
Again… wow.
So, without further ado, this is what Iearned about getting locked out of my Substack publication (from hitting a 2FA wall) then having a breakdown because of it:
1. God was telling me to slow tf down. I didn’t go to sleep until 6am for 3 nights that week because I was customizing my Substack website, getting my print-on-demand photography book ready, and writing articles.
2. I can’t let myself down, if others aren’t willing to let me stay down. The fact that my boyfriend stayed up past midnight on the phone with me, helping me out of my despair, and coming up with solutions means I needed to also get up, and get a grip.
3. My man loves me.
4. I need to believe in myself. Not social media.
5. Relationships are meant to be this safe, this healing, & are meant to call us higher.
6. As much as I love writing, specifically with the Substack format, my reaction to possibly losing it tells me it was becoming, if not already, an idol.
7. I need to have energy & good rest for my day career as an ABA therapist. I cant do that if I’m too consumed by Substack.
8. Substack is as positive as social media will be right now. But that doesn’t mean I cant make it an unhealthy compulsion I wasn’t there yet, but I was likely going in that direction.
9. I am so grateful to my partner for who he is, and for his heart. That man loves me, and does not play about me or my mental health.
10. I needed to make room for God. I was spending less time in the Word, and I was more preoccupied by how people were receiving my words. So, would it be devastating if I had lost my Substack publication? Yes, obviously. And that’s valid.
I think anyone would feel the same way if the publication they’ve worked tirelessly on, the people & readers lives they’ve touched just by creating and sharing honest work—was lost.
That is worth mourning over.
But, from my emotional crash out, then 180° turn-around to be willing to start again if it came to that— I learned.
I showed myself that I cared.
I had support and understanding from my partner, without judgement.
I was still determined.
And, I still wrote.
Yup. It’s the next day, a Sunday (closed offices,) and **I’m still locked out of my publication.
I have no idea if this post will be for my original publication, or a new one.
What I do know, and what is most reassuring, is that I didn’t stop writing
I didn’t look up my follower or subscriber list, and I didn’t try to create my aesthetic website from scratch.
I wrote.
And I found a new home for my writing and content.
So, let that be encouragement for you dear, gentle readers.
Your Substack may have hundreds, or thousands of followers. You may have found your best friends and community on Substack. Your Substack may be your lifeline.
But, your Substack is not the value.
The value is you. It was always you, and your voice.
If it all goes away today, that will always remain, and be true.
Do yourself a favor— even if you have the best of the best Substack out there…
detach, just a little.
You can do what you do anywhere, and people will listen, watch, and feel connected.
That’s only a product of you, your literary voice, your style— and Substack or any other platform can never give that to you, or take it away from you.
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